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By: Sandra Gordon
Date Posted: 1/27/2009
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Get in the (Discipline) Game – With a Parent Coach
Endless tantrums. Rude back talk. Aggressive behavior. The gimmes. At some point you’ll face a child-behavior problem that you just can’t handle on your own. That’s when you might head to the library to check out a few books on discipline; or ask your best friend for some suggestions; or, if you’re really desperate, call your mom. But there’s another option (and yeah, it’s a pricey one): Hire a parent coach. Seriously.
It may sound crazy to pay a stranger $75 an hour (or more) for advice on getting your child to listen, go to bed, stop hitting his friends and be a better eater. But that’s exactly what a growing number of frustrated parents are doing. “For many parents, a parenting coach is a relief. She can guide your parenting skills and help you understand why your children are doing what they’re doing,” says Caren Goode, Ed.D., director of the Academy for Coaching Parents. The Metroplex school, which Goode describes as a “master’s-level parenting course,” has been in business for seven years, the last four of which have been teleclasses, something that is now the basis of its business. To get certified as a parent coach by the Academy for Coaching Parents, one must complete 31 teleclasses, which are two hours each. There are additional “specialty niches,” such as coaching single parents or coaching parents of special-needs children, so all programs are individualized. (There are a total of seven specialty niches.)
Parent coaches are unlicensed and unregulated, but many go through extensive grassroots training programs, located across the country, before setting up shop. At the Parent Coaching Institute in Seattle, for example, coaches must have an undergraduate degree and take a rigorous one-year graduate-level training program before getting certified. Other coaches tout an advanced academic degree in child development as their chief qualification, along with their own experience as a parent.
You can turn to this new breed of expert for nonjudgmental, personalized advice to help you through the rough spots in person or, most likely, by phone or e-mail. Parent coaches help tackle an array of issues — everything from bedtime battles and frustrating food jags, to temper tantrums and sibling rivalry. They help parents navigate daily challenges that are not necessarily serious enough to warrant a therapist. You would not hire a parent coach to help you assess, for example, if your child has a learning disability, but you might consult with one to better understand how to help with homework. The support a parent coach can provide is also useful if, say, you are divorcing and want to figure out the best custody arrangement for your child, wavering about whether to return to work, or seeking strategies for striking a better balance between career and family.
But do you really need to pay someone to help discipline your child or guide your parenting, and would you get your money’s worth? Judge for yourself. We asked four parent coaches from around the Dallas-Fort Worth how they’d solve some behavior issues that are common among young kids.
Parent Predicament
My child refuses to go to bed.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: Give your child a time warning: “We’re going to bed in 10 minutes.” If your child is wound up, have him first take a warm bath in water that’s been infused with flower essences; I like Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy, which has a calming effect. Or, find a way to make bed inviting by, for example, playing 15 minutes of lullaby music.
Parkoff: At night, remember that you’re tired yourself but try to stay as calm as possible. If you get upset, you’ll actually reinforce the bad behavior by rewarding it with your energy and attention. Be clear about what you need by saying, “I need you to go to bed.” If your child gets out of bed, say, “I need you to get back in bed,” and walk your child back, if you need to. When your child goes to bed without a hassle or makes incremental progress, such as putting her pajamas on without complaining, acknowledge it the next morning: “I love how you went to bed so nicely last night. You put on your pajamas right when I asked you to and I didn’t even have to lay with you very long. That takes a lot of self-control.”
Reynolds: Do you have an established bedtime ritual for your child, such as bath, brushing teeth, reading a book together and then bedtime? If not, start one. Routines help kids know what’s expected of them. If you already have a bedtime pattern, add a 10-minute reminder that bedtime is going to begin. Kids often need a winding-down period. If that doesn’t help, dig deeper. Any change in your child’s life, such as a new brother or sister, a new teacher or a switch in your work schedule, can affect him at bedtime. Talk about the change and give your child extra time by starting his bedtime routine a half hour earlier until he adjusts.
Stewart: Take a holistic view of your family and determine what works for you in other situations, then apply the same principles to bedtime. For example, if your child likes to color with you, establish a routine in which you color together 15-20 minutes before bed. That one-on-
one time may help your child be more willing to separate from you when it’s time to turn out the lights.
Parent Predicament
My kid gets “the gimmes” in stores.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: Redirect your child’s attention by, for example, having him read the ingredients on breakfast cereal boxes and have him choose the healthiest, while you continue shopping.
Parkoff: Before you get to the store, prep your child by telling her, for example: “We’re not going to buy anything today except a Polly Pocket for Suzie’s birthday party.” Then, when you first enter the store, before she’s had a chance to ask or touch anything, praise her self-control: “Wow! You’re not touching or asking for anything! I really appreciate your self-control and your good attitude.” If she beats you to it and asks for something, say: “I’m sorry, but we’re not getting that today.” If she doesn’t get upset, thank her for understanding.
Reynolds: With young children, bring drinks and toys from home to keep them occupied while you shop. Steer away from the toy and candy aisle, which kids naturally find hard to resist. Also, give your child choices. In the yogurt aisle, for example, ask him if he wants a banana or cherry yogurt so he feels involved. With older kids, have them bring their own money from their allowance so they can buy items they want. If they don’t have enough money, they can learn to save up for next time.
Stewart: When your child asks for something, repeat: “No, we’re not getting that,” and don’t give in. Otherwise, your child will realize that if she continues to push, she’ll eventually get what she wants. Consistency is so important for parents, as it is with any relationship.
Parent Predicament
She talks back to me when I ask her to do something.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: When your child talks back, simply say: “I don’t like that talk from you. Your talk isn’t acceptable here.” Make a statement and leave the room. Then later, talk with your child and set guidelines for backtalk with consequences.
Parkoff: Tell your child, “I need you to reset yourself,” and explain to her that that’s shorthand for, “I want you to stop doing what you’re doing and start doing what you’re supposed to.” Then, as soon as the backtalk stops, acknowledge it: “I really appreciate that you reset yourself,” then restate what you need your child to do.
Reynolds: Try not to get angry. You’ll only get into a power struggle. Instead, ignore the talking back and stress options. For example, if you want your child to clean his room before guests arrive, and he says he doesn’t want to, ask him: “When would it be a good time to clean your room?” Or “Do you need help?” The point is to get the room clean and not to react to your child’s rebuttal.
Stewart: Try to make it fun, whatever you’re asking your child to do. If you want your child to clean her room, for example, put on some music, if that’s what she likes, or if she’s got a competitive streak, see who can pick up the fastest.
Parent Predicament
My toddler has frequent temper tantrums.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: Prevent meltdowns by identifying and avoiding triggers such as sugary snacks or certain times of the day when kids are typically tired. (If you go shopping at naptime, for example, you’re asking for it.) For a tantrum in full swing, move your child to a safe place where he can’t hurt himself, such as in your car, then distract him with music. Try to ignore the tantrum and not get upset.
Parkoff: When tantrums occur, empathize with your child’s frustration: “I know you’re disappointed and trying to handle your feelings as best you can, but I need you to reset yourself,” and keep repeating it. You may also need to hold your child. Another option is to just let her scream if you don’t think she will hurt herself or others. Tantrums are typical for toddlers. When your child starts to calm down, though, give her lots of attention and notice the strides she’s making: “Look, you’re getting a hold of yourself.”
Reynolds: Tantrums are normal for toddlers and preschoolers because they’re not developmentally able to tell you how they feel. Stay calm no matter how upset your child gets and move him somewhere he can calm down in private. Give him the words now that he can use when he’s older to express himself, such as “I know you’re frustrated and don’t want to leave right now.” When he’s 3 or 4, he’ll be able to tell you how he’s feeling and less apt to show you instead.
Stewart: Frequent temper tantrums could be a sign of a more global issue – that your child needs to spend more undistracted one-on-one time with you. You may need to carve out more time for yourself first to free up mental space for your child.
If your mind is on your to-do list, you’re not really with your child and he knows it.
Parent Predicament
My kids fight with each other 24/7.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: Define family rules, such as hitting isn’t allowed, and start a rewards program. When your kids solve problems without hitting, acknowledge it with a prize such as spending extra time with them or taking them to the park.
Parkoff: During moments of the day when your kids aren’t fighting, reinforce the behavior by praising them for getting along and help them realize what a great relationship they have. You might say, for example: “See how much fun it is to play with your brother instead of fight with him?”
Reynolds: What are your kids doing when they fight the most? Are they sharing a room? Are they tired, hungry or bored? Then try to meet their needs by giving them something to eat or do, or moving them away from each other. Be prepared for problem situations. If fights typically break out in the car, for example, have your kids listen to an iPod, play electronic games or talk to them. Conversation can be a good distraction.
Stewart: Take a step back and try to notice patterns. Do they tend to fight when they’re tired? At certain times of the day? After something else has happened? Also, make a mental note or even keep a journal of what’s going on when your kids get along. What are they doing? How does it happen? Then leverage all this information to come up with a prevention plan.
Parent Predicament
He hits other kids on playdates.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: Have toddlers and preschoolers apologize and move on to a new activity. Older children should choose their consequence and make amends by discussing the disagreement and try to solve the problem themselves.
Parkoff: Tell your child that he needs to “reset” himself, and watch him closely on playdates so you can jump in before a situation escalates. When he gets through a play date without hitting, praise him for his self-control and the consideration he showed for others.
Reynolds: When kids have disagreements, try not to intervene immediately. See if they can solve the problem. If they can’t, help them work out their differences. If they’re fighting over a coveted toy, for example, have them take turns with it. Remind them: “We don’t hit other children.” Distract younger children by playing with them or introducing other toys.
Stewart: Help your child develop empathy by asking: “How would you feel if your friend hit you? Would you like it?” When your child says “no,” follow up with: “Then, how do you think your friend feels?” And: “When you’re angry, instead of hitting, what are you going to do?” Tell your child that if he hits again, you’re both leaving. Then do it. Don’t give your child another chance.Parent Predicament
My child is a picky eater.
Coach’s Playbook
Goode: I don’t see picky eating as a problem. Just take it in stride. Children in my own home have been vegetarian and gone through phases of only eating meat, brown rice or peanut butter. Provide food choices based upon a family menu and let them choose.
Parkoff: Always have cereal with milk as an alternative, but even more importantly, whenever your child eats what you prepare or isn’t rude when she doesn’t like what you’ve made, tell her how much you appreciate it. Remember, you want to reward your kids with your energy and attention when they’re doing something right or when they’re not doing something wrong. That reinforces the good behavior.
Reynolds: Be sure to introduce a variety of foods when your kids are young so they’ll get used to eating different things as they get older. Eat good foods yourself since your children will follow your example. For toddlers and preschoolers, give food kid-friendly names, such as baby cabbages for Brussels sprouts or baby trees for broccoli. Also, establish family rules for mealtime, such as “You have to take one bite of everything and if you like it, you can have more. And if you don’t, you don’t have to eat any more of it.” Don’t punish your child for not eating what you serve, which can turn mealtime into a power struggle instead of a time to reconnect with each other. And keep in mind that children physiologically have different taste buds than adults. What’s sweet to us can taste bitter to them.
Stewart: Kids are more apt to eat meals if they feel involved with them, so have them help you plan the weekly menu, or even just color the menu, if that’s all they can do. To show that you’re adventurous, be willing to eat whatever your kids select. Chicken fingers aren’t so bad if they’re prepared healthfully. Make a game out of trying different things. The goal is to get the proper nutrition, so feel free to swap things out that have similar nutritional value. If your kids like raw spinach, for example, don’t serve it cooked.
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